I Don't Want to be Your Mentor
I'm very glad that I pushed through Season 1 of Parks and Recreation.
I came to the show late, after it was already done. I started Season 1, and got a little disappointed. "The Office, but for local government" was the phrase that came to mind when I first started watching. I almost stopped watching it, because it wasn't really grabbing me.
I got to Season 2, and suddenly the whole show clicked for me. By Season 3, I was hooked, and constantly laughing.
While there are many great scenes, this one in particular makes me crack up every time.
Ron Swanson, the perpetually curmudgeonly Libertarian, shows some surprisingly astute communication chops in this scene, to humorous effect.
He knows what his desired outcome is, and he also knows how someone else could accidentally misinterpret his statement as hyperbole, rather than fact, and so he corrects that on the spot.
Clarifying the Clickbait Title
I don't want to be your mentor.
Wait...
I worry that what you read was "I don't think it's valuable to share my experiences to help someone", and that's not what I wrote.
Jokes aside, here's what I mean:
Our brains are really good at self-deception. It doesn't mean we're irredeemably bad people, or that we're not intelligent. It's just how our brains function for self-preservation, and we all have areas of blindness and irrational defensiveness.
Explicit mentorship, where one party chooses to mentor another party, inherently comes with a built-in power imbalance.
Power imbalances affect our behavior in unpredictable ways. I'm also fundamentally skeptical of anyone's ego...especially mine...when they get that sweet, sweet, obsequious flattery from someone.
We all secretly like the feeling of being essential, no matter how good our intentions may be.
Ok, so what? We just never help anybody that's less experienced then?
Not at all.
What I'm advocating is a shift in how would-be mentors see themselves, and what they have to offer.
One of my colleagues from when I worked in music is Xiao'an. On top of being prolific in sharing helpful content for composers, one of the things that he has talked about before is why the "scarcity mindset" for advice and mentorship is misguided, and I tend to agree with that.
Paraphrasing: the idea that sometimes creeps into self-proclaimed Mentors™ within communities is that, as a mentor, I have <information> to offer...*cough* to certain people that are worthy of my time and attention *cough*.
And if I give <information> to just anybody, then my role in the community will be eclipsed by other people who use my <information> to outshine me.
In equation form:
My <information> = My <value>
But that's not true, for a variety of reasons:
Information is quite literally everywhere and freely available. There are other people in your field that probably know more than you do. Right now.
Your value in the community doesn't actually come from the little tidbits that you know. Or rather, it doesn't come exclusively from what you know. Your value doesn't decrease simply because you shared some tidbits.
Your value as a mentor really comes from your ability to build up the community that you are a part of. By definition, that requires some humility, some empathy, some emotional intelligence about what the community needs, and an ability to actually implement ideas within that community to see change happen.
Clarifying Question
Maybe a better way to summarize my point would be by asking this question:
If you were to receive no credit, no acknowledgement, and weren't even allowed to know that you actually helped someone, would you still choose to freely offer your help to whoever needed it?
I think anyone with some self-awareness will pause a little bit in considering that question.
It's a gut check: Do you really want to make this community that you are in better? Or do you just enjoy the feeling of being the person that people come to. Do you enjoy "bestowing" your knowledge upon them?
Do you like that ego stroking, or do you want a rising tide to raise all ships?
The truth is that we do get some reward by helping people. There is a component of self-interest in explicit mentorship.
The following sentences are different:
I want to be known as a mentor.
I want to share my experiences freely, with whoever needs it, whether I get credit for it or not, because I care about this community being better.
One is fundamentally self-interested, while the other is fundamentally community-minded.
If you've ever said the former, I'm not throwing stones at you. I've said it before too.
I've just realized that it has too many pitfalls, even when it seems to succeed. It's too easy to fall in to the trap of self-interest.
I want to be able to authentically say the latter, and mean it.
I don't want to be your mentor.
