I overheard a conversation today, while waiting for a meeting to start.

It was three people discussing a work trip to Thailand. One person in the conversation had never been. The other two had apparently visited for a week or two.

I wasn't part of the conversation, and I don't know these people, beyond the fact that they work in a different section of my organization.

To hear them tell it, Thailand was "very dirty." And that was probably the least offensive descriptor they used.

They told several anecdotes about things that were weird, dirty, funny, crazy, etc. Plenty of stereotypes and innuendo flew left and right. There were brief pauses of surprised praise at how good the food was, or how pretty some of the buildings were...as if they had to remind themselves that it wasn't all bad.

I've heard conversations like that many times, about many countries. It is the language of people that experience other cultures the way one might experience rides at the Fair, or get a thrill from a fun house, only to forget within seconds at the sight of cotton candy.

"I am here in this other place that's not as good as where I'm from, but at least entertain me while I'm here."

It is all of the novelty and interest of having been somewhere exotic, without any of the humility, and willingness to learn, that leads to perspective change.

It's a party trick, that temporarily grants some social clout, at the expense of everything that could make you a more empathetic person.

That may sound pretty harsh, but it's well-deserved.

I know it first hand. I've told stories like that before. I've gotten that quick hit of social standing by sharing about some "adventure" in a far off land.

All the frustration I feel overhearing their reductionist takeaways is equally directed at a younger, dumber, ethnocentric version of myself.

After the meeting ended, I was walking outside. The sidewalks were crumbling and uneven, with weeds growing out of them. Paint was chipping on the buildings. Some coke cans, and cigarette butts were strewn in the grass. Neighborhoods with broken cars parked in the front yard. And, then I vaguely remember something about a pandemic or whatever.

Sometimes, it's hard to admit that the dirt in your own house may be just as bad as someone else's.

Having traveled (and lived) in numerous countries now, I've found that it's far more instructive and helpful to redirect my observations and feelings while abroad:

1) If the people in this place are doing something that I see as good, I choose to reflect on the cultural wisdom that would lead to such thinking. How could we learn from that? How can I learn from that?

2) If the people in this place are doing something that I see as bad, I choose to reflect on analogous things in our own culture that we're failing in. What cultural factors caused this problem here, and how could that inform dealing with our own problems?

And, as a general guideline, if your only takeaway from an experience abroad is to pat yourself on the back for being American, then you probably missed some opportunities to grow and learn.

Living in another context is complicated. It changes you fundamentally. There *are* the exciting experiences that make for good stories.

But there are days when you are genuinely frustrated at real cultural differences.

Those frustrations make for much less enticing stories, but are precisely where the growth, empathy, humility and self-reflection can be most powerful.